


11 Steps

by Stralia_Harker



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Mentions of the upside down, Other, Pre-Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Pre-Relationship, Protective Billy Hargrove, Roomates, Sad Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26642218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stralia_Harker/pseuds/Stralia_Harker
Summary: Billy takes steps to help Steve after a suicide attempt.
Relationships: Pre Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 6
Kudos: 108





	11 Steps

**Author's Note:**

> TW: talk of self-harm and suicide. 
> 
> September is suicide prevention awareness month. It's an issue close to my life. As a survivor, I wanted to share something close to my heart. 
> 
> If you need help you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 or you can access the website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Step One- Take them Seriously.

Steve had been busy all day, he’d been reorganizing his room. Billy wasn’t sure what brought that on, but every time he came out of his room he’d see Steve either bringing some bag or newly labeled box out to their storage closet. He was almost ready to ask Steve if he was trying to secretly move out on him. Close to dinner time Steve finally announced that he was finished getting his shit sorted out and asked Billy if he wanted pizza. 

Steve offered to go pick it up so Billy stayed back. He checked Steve’s room, still slightly suspicious that he was going to wake up tomorrow and need to put an ad out for a roommate asap. The room mostly looked fine, the bed was still unmade, Steve’s clothes in the closet, his important stuff still sitting out. There were a few things missing, mostly just knick-knacks and a few pictures, but the room was intact. So Billy let out a breath, realizing he must have been jumping to conclusions. 

They ate and watched movies, Steve smiling gently at Billy every so often, something in his eyes Billy couldn’t quite read. As the clock approached midnight Steve told Billy he was going to bed. Billy went to hand him the soft purple throw that Steve loved to cuddle, he told Billy to keep it, he was fine. He brushed his teeth and Billy heard the soft click of his bedroom door as he drifted off himself.

He jolted awake, eyes wide open, heart pounding. He looked around, the clock said it was 1:15 in the morning. He saw nothing unusual, wasn’t sure what made him jump awake like that. He figured he might as well get himself to bed. He turned the tv off and went to the bathroom. He was almost to his room when he turned back to the living room, he picked up the purple throw and opened Steve’s door. Steve’s head snapped up, as Billy stared at him. Steve’s arm was bleeding and it took Billy a second but finally focused on Steve’s other hand holding a razor. 

He dropped the throw and rushed over. Steve not wanting to meet his eyes, he grabbed a shirt from the dresser and pressed it over the wounds, several shallow cuts. He reached his hand over and Steve put the blade he was using on the bed. Billy wordlessly helped him up and to the bathroom. He cleaned and dressed the wound, Steve still not looking up at him. Billy had just led him out to the living room and turned the lights on when Steve broke the silence.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“Woke up, wanted to give you your blanket.” 

“I wrote you a letter, one for the kids too. It explains everything. Just don’t hate me.” It came out as a whisper. Billy saw the tear slide down Steve’s cheek.  
“I don’t hate you. Would never hate you.”

Step 2- Get Help.

He had gathered Steve in his arms, they sat like that for a while, Steve wrapped up in him, Billy running his fingers through Steve’s hair. Billy didn’t know what to do. He knew Steve had problems with this in the past. He’d thought it was behind him. They were closer, Steve was obviously comfortable with Billy holding him. Steve had settled some, wasn’t crying anymore. Billy knew they still had a long way to go before they were out of the woods. So he moved Steve’s head so he was looking at him.

“I’m going to call Johanna.” She was Steve’s therapist. Steve nodded.

“Ok.” It was shaky, but it was an answer.

“Do you want to talk to Robin while I get a hold of Johanna?” Steve hesitated, then answered.

“I think it would be a good idea.” Billy pulled his phone out and dialed Robin

“It’s 2 am Hargrove. Someone better be…”

“Steve’s had a bad night. Really bad.” Billy cut her off before she could finish the thought. 

“Is he ok?” she immediately perked up, mentally kicking herself, glad Billy cut her off.

“Not really. I’m calling his therapist, just talk to him while we get a hold of her.” he handed the phone off and heard Steve say her name softly.

Billy called the service, sent a text, and left a voicemail. He waited for about ten minutes and did it all again. He was biting his nails waiting. He was getting anxious. This was out of his area of expertise, he knew how to talk Steve down from a panic attack and could soothe him after nightmares but this was definitely professional level. Steve had left a note. 

Step 3- Express Concern.

He was pacing, he could hear Steve and Robin talking. Steve was giving short answers. Barely speaking. He was mostly just listening. It was good, it gave Billy time to talk himself down, he needed to get out of his emotions. He almost yelled at Steve when he opened that door, almost asked him what the fuck he was doing. He was still trying to push that down. So he let them talk for a few more minutes. Finally, Steve ended the call. Billy sat down with him again, facing him. He needed to get Steve to talk.

“Tell me, what’s going on? How did you get here?” Steve shrugged. He was quiet. Billy took his hands.

“I’m not sure. I was fine, then I wasn’t. And it just seemed like maybe this was best. I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t want to anymore. I’m just exhausted.”

Steps 4- Pay Attention and 5- Ask direct questions. Do They have a plan?

“Is there something that made you feel this way today?’

“Nothing really. I’m just over it.”

“How long have you been over it?”

“A while. I mean some days were good. I felt ok. I’ve just never felt better than ok.” 

“What’s wrong with just ok?” 

“Shouldn’t there be more? Shouldn’t I have emotions? I feel like I don’t have them. I just feel numb. I don’t want to just exist. Why can’t I live? What’s wrong with me?” Steve was sniffling again.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to you. You’re allowed to be lost.”

“I just feel like I’ll never find my way out.”

“You left notes, is this your way out, do you already know?”

“I was working up to it, with the razor. I was trying to get there. I knew if I started at some point I wouldn’t stop and it would be deep enough. I apologized, for you having to find me.” Billy nodded. 

Step 6- Acknowledge their feelings, in a non-judgemental way

“I’m sorry it’s this bad for you. I wish I knew earlier.” Billy said.

“Didn’t want you to, you’ve got stuff too Billy, seems selfish of me to make you listen to my shit.” 

“You’re the least selfish person I know. But I get it. It’s why I don’t tell you all my shit. I tell Theresa. It’s what I pay her for.”

“I guess I should have been telling Johanna.” Steve looked ashamed.

“She’s your therapist, but it can be hard Steve, it’s personal. It’s hard to let anyone see that stuff.”

“I guess, I just, I was always just brushed off. My parents didn’t care. Thought I was being dramatic.” 

“Who cares if you were, it’s what you were feeling.” Billy looked sincere, Steve wasn’t used to that.

“I really am sorry you know, I knew it was gonna mess with you. I just don’t know where else I could go. My house, no one would find me for days. I didn’t want to be somewhere I was easily forgotten. I figured you couldn’t forget me here.” 

“I would’ve looked for you. When you weren’t home, I would’ve looked. You never go anywhere without telling someone. I would’ve missed you the same day.” 

“I didn’t know that.”

“Now you do. I know you would’ve felt guilty too. I’m glad I walked in, I wouldn’t want guilt to be one of the last things you felt.” 

Step 7- Reassure them that things can be better.

“You won’t always feel like this you know. I mean I know it’s a stretch now, but things change.” Billy said.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know. I used to run on anger and anger alone. I wanted to burn everything down and I didn’t care who I took with me. Everyone needed to pay for the shit I went through. Now I don’t blame the world, I blame those who set me on fire. I know it’s an odd comparison. Anger and sadness, the numbness. But you have emotions. I’ve seen them.” 

“Now I know you’re lying.” Steve sat up, looking at Billy.

“You smile, sometimes, when Dustin sends you a text, even if it just says hi. You laugh at El’s TikTok's, you think they’re cute. I’ve seen you get angry, when someone isn’t listening to you, you get mad. Even if they’re just fleeting, you have emotions, the ability to feel is there.”

“I don’t remember feeling things though.”

“It’s ok. I’m not saying it’s gonna be sunshine and roses, hell it might be a while before there’s any sunshine, but anything you feel, just feel it. Get mad, stay mad, be sad, just feel it. No one’s going to think any less of you for it.”

“Just that easy, huh.”

“Not at all, but possible. I mean you can’t tell me that other dimensions and monsters exist, that those things are possible, but it’s not possible for you to feel something. It’s possible. I’m still here and my insides were shredded.” Steve actually gave a small smile.

“I guess that’s something to think about.”

Step 8- Don’t promise confidentiality

“Robin doesn’t know. I just told her it was a really bad night. You think maybe this could stay between us.”

“I can’t make you that promise. Not when it’s your life on the line.” 

“I just don’t want anyone to know, they’ll think I’m pathetic.”

“They’ll think you’re human. They worry about you, wonder how you’re coping.”

“Don’t tell the kids, can you give me that?”

“I can promise not to tell them any more than is necessary. I can give you that.” Steve took a deep breath, seemed to be resigned to that.

Billy’s phone rang, it was Johanna. He told her what was happening. She asked to speak to Steve. He stared at the phone for a minute, then took it. He spoke softly, telling her what his plan was. Billy got up, gave Steve a little privacy.

Step 9- Make sure guns, medications, and other means of self-harm are unavailable.

He went to Steve’s room, left the door open so he could hear him talking. He picked up the razors, found all of Steve’s pills. He took the razors and put them in his room. Put the pills in his drawer. He looked around, wondered if taking Steve’s belts would be too much, took them anyway. He wasn’t taking any chances, not til he knew what Johanna wanted to do. 

He went to the kitchen, hid the knives, found anything poisonous, hid those with the knives. He felt a little silly, felt a little like he was treating Steve like a child. He had to be careful though. Had to save Steve, even if Steve didn’t want to be saved, he had to save him.

Step 10- Don’t leave them alone til they are with a professional.

He came back to the living room. Steve was still on the phone. He was picking at a loose thread on their couch. He looked unsure. Billy sat down with him, just waiting. He’d sit with Steve as long as he had to. He looked at the clock. It was close to 3, he was going to have to call into work the next day. He didn’t care, he’d call in for as many days as he needed to. Steve needed someone. He was lost in his own thoughts when he felt Steve nudging him, he looked up, Steve was holding the phone out to him. He took it from Steve, Johanna was coming over. She needed Billy to help Steve get some stuff together. She was going to have him put on a hold. At least 72 hours she said. He thanked her and hung up. Steve had grabbed his hand at some point. 

“I think I wanna stay longer than three days.” 

“Whatever you want Steve, let's get your stuff together.” he pulled Steve up and they headed to his room.

Steve pulled out a small bag, he gathered up some socks and underwear. Billy grabbed some of Steve’s comfy sleep pants and a few of his t-shirts. They got him packed up and Steve got changed, picked his favorite outfit to lounge in. Billy came in, he handed Steve the hoodie he always stole, It was soft and worn, it smelled like Billy. Steve was sitting on the couch, he jumped when the knock came. Billy answered and brought Johanna in. 

“Hi Steve, you ready?”

“I think so. I’m nervous. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Can Billy come with me?”

“Yeah, he can come. It’s going to be ok Steve, we’re going to get you some help.” 

“You’re coming right?” he looked at Billy, hopeful.

“Yeah, I’m coming.” 

Step 11- Take Care of Yourself

They got Steve checked in. He headed back home, not sure if he was ready to face the quiet. He stopped at the diner instead, got himself pancakes, Steve’s favorite. When he got back he left a message for his boss, let him know he’d be out for the day. He looked around, it seemed odd without Steve. In a way, it felt like Steve was gone. Billy grabbed his emergency pack of cigarettes and lit one up. He was going to have to call his therapist later, see if he could get in to see her today.

He finished his cigarette and took a long hot shower, he used Steve’s shampoo. He got dressed and made himself some hot chocolate, Steve always had a stash, he grabbed the purple throw and draped it over himself. He was trying to distract himself, trying to finally calm down. He picked up his phone and dialed the one person he knew could make him feel better.

“Hi Billy, it’s good to hear from you.”

“Hi Joyce, do you have time to talk?”


End file.
